Is Today Over Yet?

Because I am so done with this day. I actually have zero complaints about school stuff - I'm pretty stoked to get going. No, my complaint is with my lab draw today and the cluster fuck that has been. This morning I got up early to go to the health center and my progesterone level drawn before class. I walk in at 7:30 am when they open and am informed that they no longer draw for quest. I was there less than 2 months ago with the exact same paperwork and they did the lab no questions asked. But today as I was filling out the sign in sheet they straight up told me no they won't do it. WTF?

I didn't have time to argue so I went on to class with the intention of calling my OB/GYN's office to see if they could do the draw. They said they'd do it so I drove to the other side of town after class got my blood drawn and went back to the campus for work. About an hour ago I got a voice mail from them saying that the place they sent it to screwed up and didn't spin the sample down right or something and the lab can't run my progesterone now.

They said that they need a new sample but they are closing at 4 today and won't be open again until Tuesday and I should come in to get another draw then. Did I mention that this test is time sensitive and has to be drawn on this specific day in my cycle? Oh and my cell phone is dead so I can't call anyone right now so I have an e-mail in to my clinic asking what to do. Since it's nearing 5 pm and I've yet to receive a reply I highly doubt I'm going to get a response today. Awesome. I have one other place I *might* be able to go if they're still open once I leave work but I'm not holding my breath.

Long Week

It has been busy in our household this last week.

On Thursday I went in for a monitoring appointment and found I was in the middle of my LH surge and I had a nice big follicle so I was able to trigger that evening and go in on Friday for the IUI. If my first IUI went off with ease this one was a little more uncomfortable. The clinic I go to usually the nurse will do the actual IUI but for whatever reason my RE wanted to do mine. I showed up at 9 am with a full bladder and due to a scheduling issue I had to wait for quite awhile. I ended up emptying my bladder twice while waiting and was still too full when I finally got called back so I got to partially empty it. Have you ever tried to stop peeing when you've really got to go? Not easy but I managed to do it and I probably could have let out more and I would have been more comfortable. So doc comes in and after double checking everything he gets things ready. Apparently my cervix was really hard to find because he must have moved that damn speculum about 5 times trying to get it in a good position. All this while I have a half full bladder and having pressure on my abdomen from the ultrasound wand. Thankfully once he got it in place everything else went quickly and after a short wait I was able to finally pee. So today I am 6 dpiui and I'm going to *try* to wait until my beta draw before testing. We'll see how much self-control I have.

On Monday M got released from the hospital and we made it back home late that evening. He's doing really well and is actually having a lot less pain than I expected at this point. He goes back for a follow-up with the surgeon next week and then sees the oncologist again in 2 months. He's been relaxing at home this week and watching Hell on Wheels.

As for me I started my last semester of nursing school. WHAT! I can hardly believe that in a matter of months I will be taking boards and working as a RN. Crazy. But I'm so excited to get started. I'm going to try to stay up to date on this but I apologize now if my posting becomes more infrequent as my final projects and tests come up. The next couple of weeks will be stressful as we have a big skills test coming up and shortly after that the first written test. I got this though - I'm going to rock it this semester!

Reporting From the Hospital

 M had surgery on Wednesday and everything went perfect. They ended up doing an open RPLND because the surgeon they were trying to get from the Mayo Clinic was unavailable and M's surgeon here at MD Anderson doesn't have the experience on the robotic lap. It's sucks that he has this huge incision and his recovery will be longer but the important thing is that they got the lymph nodes they were going for.

He's in some pain which is to be expected but they are allowing him to eat regular food today and he'll hopefully be discharged tomorrow or Monday if he's tolerating his diet and his pain is controlled. His epidural has been disconnected and the nurse just took off all the IV fluids which is a big step in him getting to go home. Today is another day of walking and rest for him. Poor guy has been through a lot in the last few days but it's getting better and I'm sure he'll be back to himself in no time.

The 'C' Word Part Two

I already told you the story about my mother and I promised I would do another post to talk about my husband.

In late January of this year we moved into a new house and in the process my husband had to move a rather heavy treadmill. Seriously, this thing is a beast.While moving said treadmill he started having some pain in his groin and figured he just pulled a muscle and wrote it off. Fast forward 2 weeks and he's still having the pain and it's more localized to his testicle. Getting worried about it he decides to make an appointment with the urologist for the following week. I did not accompany him to the appointment but I was less worried than him because I knew that tumors are typically not painful and he was experiencing a fair amount of it. Based on what he was telling me it sounded a lot like a hydrocele. Imagine my shock when he calls me after the appointment and the doctor is wanting him to get an ultrasound that same day because he felt a lump. At the ultrasound I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm not very good at looking at them but even I could tell that there was a very clear mass on his right testicle. Two hours later M got a call from the urologist and wanted to see him first thing in the morning to discuss the results of the ultrasound. What the doctor said  5was that he couldn't be sure it was cancer but if it was up to him he'd have it removed immediately. So M scheduled outpatient surgery for the next day.

That afternoon we were at the hospital getting all the pre-op stuff done and getting his instructions for the next day. Friday morning we were at the hospital at 5:30 am for an 8 am surgery time. M was pretty calm but I was a wreck because every possible bad thing that could happen was running through my mind. The surgery went smoothly though and his testicle was sent off for a pathology report. We were home by 1 pm and spent the rest of the day relaxing and recuperating. The pathology report took about 2 weeks to get back and confirmed that it was indeed cancer and that there was already some spread into the lymph nodes. During the time we were waiting for the pathology report to come back we discussed if he would get treatment here or get a referral to MD Anderson in Houston. We decided to get the referral and it was the right decision for us.

Now we're into March and meet with M's oncologist for the first time. He had several tests done before the meeting so the oncologist would have a baseline on everything and I was blown away by how incredibly large MD Anderson is and by the fact that every patient in the place is dealing with some form of cancer. You never really realize how many people it affects until you walk through that place. Anyway, back to the meeting. Dr. P is awesome. When he rolled in (he's wheel-chair bound) he greeted us and got straight to business. He explained exactly what type of cancer M had (embryonal carcinoma) and what stage he was (stage 2) and what his treatment plan would be. The typical regimen for his cancer is 3 rounds of BEP. BEP is three chemotherapy drugs called Bleomycin, Etoposide, and Cisplatin. Before starting though Dr. P wanted M to do a baseline pulmonary function test because the Bleomycin is toxic to the lungs and he wanted to make sure it would be appropriate before going forward with it. We met back with Dr. P a week later after the test and he did great so he went in to start his first round of chemo.

For his chemo treatments he was admitted to the hospital and stayed for 5 days. Dr. P said the other option was to get a medical port put in but since he was only getting 3 rounds it didn't make sense to do that so the best option was to be admitted. His hospital stays were pretty uneventful and M did pretty good with the treatments but don't get me wrong it was hard on him. He was sick a lot and he was pretty miserable throughout the treatment but he responded really well. By the time he got to the third round his tumor markers were almost back to normal.

After the last round he went back for another round of tests to see if his lymph nodes had shrunk back down to normal. The results were that they had gone back down but they were still a little bigger than the doctor was comfortable with so he recommended surgery to remove them. And that's brings us up to now. M has surgery on Wednesday and that's all we're waiting on. There is another lymph node that is 'suspicious' in his shoulder but since the surgery he has to do is so intensive his surgeon has decided it would be best to go back on another date to remove that node.

M is in pretty good health right now and has been back at work on light duty for about 2 months now. He's glad to be able to work and do things without getting fatigued so quickly. And I'm happy because he's out of the house and out of my hair during the day.

I know this was a pretty quick synopsis of his treatment so if anyone has questions please feel free to ask and I will be happy to answer them!

Here We Go Again

Last night I got my meds from the mail order pharmacy.

 I only ordered the Menopur and Ovidrel from them this time since I still have enough of the progesterone suppositories to last me for my next two week wait and if it looks like I will need more I can still order those with plenty of time before I run out. The pharmacy I'm using has a quick turnaround time and I get my meds within 2 days of ordering them so I'm not really worried about running out.

Right now I am on day 3 of Femara and on Monday I start Menopur injections. Each vial of Menopur contains 75 IU and my RE has me taking 150 IU daily so that means I have to mix up 2 vials in one syringe. I'll do that for 3 days and go in on Thursday for my monitoring ultrasound. Depending on how well I am responding I'll either trigger with Ovidrel that night or get more Menopur and go back in a day or so to check my follicles again. The good news is that I responded really well last time and that is great because this shit is expensive.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now because I won't have any new information until next week and there really isn't anything more I can do. I can't figure out if waiting to ovulate or the two week wait is worse right now. At least for this next two week wait I'll be back in school and have something to distract me from testing everyday.

Back to Square One

Well my beta test on Friday was negative. I knew it was a possibility that this wouldn't work but getting that phone call was heartbreaking. My RE was very optimistic when I met with him that day and said that everything went perfectly. I responded perfectly to the meds. My lining was perfect. The timing was perfect. My progesterone level was fabulous. M's sperm counts were great. It's amazing how everything can be 'perfect' but still end up here with nothing to show for it. I spent most of the weekend bawling and trying to be a recluse. Of course my daughter was being a total mama's girl so she didn't let me withdraw completely.

I am still pretty devastated but it's time now to pick myself up and move forward. I stopped taking the progesterone and my period showed up on Sunday. After stopping the meds I got hit pretty hard by some severe cramps. It felt like my normal week of cramping built up and hit me all at once.

 

Seriously, chill the fuck out.

Yesterday I went back to the clinic for CD 3 blood work and a baseline ultrasound. I'll be on the same protocol as the last cycle and I'll start the Femara tonight. I'm really on CD 4 today but my clinic isn't counting Sunday as the first day of my period. I'm really not sure why but my guess is because I started late in the afternoon so they're counting the first full day of flow on Monday. Whatever, I'm charting and using OPK's this cycle so if it looks like I might ovulate on my own before my monitoring appointment I'll give them a call so we don't miss my window. Because if we miss this window I'm going to be on a forced break until at least December because with school starting back up I don't have the time to spend 4 hours in a car every week trekking back and forth to Houston for my appointments.

So that's where I am right now. Things will get better but I've been feeling pretty raw lately. I should get the rest of my meds tomorrow and I think seeing that will help me get out of this funk and get myself back on track.

Beta Day!

This is it - today's the day I find out if this IUI worked. I'm hopeful but I know the odds aren't in my favor. When I go to my appointment I'll have a blood draw and then meet with the 'RE to discuss options in the event I am not pregnant. I probably won't get the result  from the blood test until this afternoon so keep your fingers crossed that I get good news!

Testing Out The Trigger

One of medicines in my protocol is a drug called Ovidrel.

It's purpose is to trigger ovulation once my follicles are large enough, usually somewhere in the range of 18-22 mm. I had 3 nice follicles on my monitoring ultrasound of 7/24 so my RE had me trigger at 10pm that evening for an IUI at 9:00 am 7/26. The thing about Ovidrel though is that it will give you a false positive on a pregnancy test. Well, I have to know as soon as possible so I decided to test out the trigger. All that involves is taking a pregnancy test every day (or every other day but really, I have no self control) until you get a negative test. Any positive you get after that is a true positive. It varies from one person to the next on how long it'll take for the trigger to leave your system - the norm seems to be anywhere from 7-10 days after the injection. Here is my progression

As you can see I started testing the morning of my IUI 7/26 and I was getting faint positives until 7/31 and it appears to have cleared my system completely by the following morning. I'm hoping for a real positive any day now. Keep your fingers crossed!

The 'C' Word

Cancer. Lets talk about it some.

I've have not personally had cancer but I have had the unfortunate experience of watching two people very close to me go through treatments.

When I was 14 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 42 which, from my understanding, is pretty young for a breast cancer diagnosis. I actually know very little about her cancer since my entire family decided I was too young to deal with all the details and they didn't want to worry me. I still hold a fair amount of resentment for that because there were at least two hospitalizations that I didn't even know about until much later. But that's neither here nor there and it's not what I'm writing this post about.

It was incredibly difficult watching my mother going through treatment. I remember the first time I ever saw my mother cry was the day she pulled a clump of hair out after starting chemotherapy. She was a strong woman capable of great emotion but she tried so hard to show us that she would be okay so that we wouldn't worry about her. We knew though that she was struggling some days but most of the time she held her head up and put on a brave face and went about her day. I think it was about a year after the diagnosis that she finished treatment and was announced to be in remission. After that life went back to normal - my brother graduated high school and went off to college and I was a typical annoying teenager.

It wasn't until my third year in college that we discovered that this wasn't over yet. Mom went to a regular check up and it was discovered that the cancer was back and it was worse this time. The cancer was no longer in her breast but had moved and settled into her bones. It was back to chemotherapy and this round seemed to affect her more and less at the same time. She seemed to have less nausea and general ill feeling but more pain and taste changes. I don't know what her chemo regimen was but it definitely took more out of her because the first time I saw her after she began treatment again I was shocked. She had lost a significant amount of weight and I could tell she was hurting more. My mother was never a big woman but she was always a size 6 or 8 and in just a few months she was barely fitting into a size 1 jeans. It was a big difference for her. But she was still Mom and for the next several years she was on one medication or another to try to fight the cancer and relieve pain.

My family hid things well and it wasn't until things got really bad that I even knew there was something serious to worry about. In fact I didn't know she was having any decline in health until after I got back from my honeymoon. When my husband and I got back into the states we called to let everyone know we had a wonderful time and we were on our way home. She sounded a little confused when I talked to her but that wasn't uncommon since one of her medications made her a little bit loopy and it was getting late in the evening. A few days later I got a call from my father saying that she was rapidly declining and was becoming less coherent every day. That weekend my husband and I went home and I was shocked. She could barely walk and slept nearly the entire time we were there. The woman lying in the bed was so different than the mother I had always known that I could scarcely believe it was the same person. It had only been two weeks since I had seen her dancing and having a wonderful time at our wedding. I spent time with my mom and said my goodbyes and that I loved her because I knew this would be the last time I got to see her.

We went back home that Sunday because I had to work and I had no time left to take to stay with her. In fact I was at work when I got the call from my father that she had passed on October 15, 2009. I knew it was coming but I was still devastated and nearly inconsolable for hours. We made the trip back home again for her memorial service that weekend and it was bittersweet. We laughed, we cried, but we did celebrate the life she lived and that's what she wanted us to do. I miss her everyday but knowing she's no longer in pain and she lived a short, but full life gives me some solace. Ultimately she lived the life she wanted and taught me to do the same so I do my best to follow in her footsteps.

This post has ended up being much longer than I anticipated so I think I'll end it here and leave my husband's story for another day. I decided after writing this that I am not going to re-read and make any edits to this post since I think just free-writing shows more of my thoughts than any edits I could make. I apologize now for any spelling and grammatical errors but I hope you can overlook them.

And I know this story is sad but don't cry too much because mom wouldn't have wanted that - she'd want you to learn and live your life to the fullest and never look back.